Replicating the Conditions of our Wounding
The Insidious Ways- Part 1
I hear a common report from many women moving through menopause and aging.
It’s a sense that they don't feel like themselves; their body is betraying them.
They follow that up by sharing their desire to be in control of what is happening, to not be irritable or anxious, to not gain weight, above all to not “fall apart”
A while back I noticed a repeated pattern in my clinic work. It showed up with women struggling in the menopause transition but also with other people experiencing various general health challenges that have little to do with hormones. And I have engaged in this same bewildering approach myself.
It’s this: The conditions which create an illness or dysfunction are often the same tools we turn to for healing.
Paradoxically this approach leads us to replicate the very mindsets and behaviours that contributed to our burnout, injury, illness, or [you- name- it health concern] in the first place.
The reality is this: If we approach our healing with the same “programming” that led to our suffering, we risk perpetuating our illness.
To be honest, when I see a vicious cycle laid bare like this the advocate and social justice warrior parts of me get all riled up and determined to do something about it. Causticum is likely my constitutional homeopathic remedy and I’m tenacious- mountain goat- adjacent by virtue of my name (though a Croatian Heidi, not Swiss). I’m very much a cardinal sign Capricorn.
When I came across this recent revelation it made me irritated like all get out.
Granted, I was going through the early stages of the menopause transition, so maybe that accounts for part of it. Now a bit beyond that particularly hot- and-bodily-bothered phase, I still find my feathers oft-ruffled by this paradox in play. However, I have a bit of perspective and more appreciation of how and why I have perpetuated this cycle in my own vida loca. That softens the irritation some.
And then there’s the issue of burnout. In the hustle of modern life, burnout is a common outcome of chronic stress and overwork. Many of us, me very much included, are conditioned to equate productivity with self-worth, pushing ourselves to the brink in pursuit of success. When burnout strikes, the instinctive response is often to apply the same relentless drive to our recovery. We might create rigorous schedules for yoga classes, enforce strict “self-care” routines, and set ambitious goals for “bouncing back”—unwittingly replicating the conditions of our initial burnout.
Similarly, when faced with a physical injury, illness or a disruptive though natural transition time (like menopause or the post-partum period), I see how the pressure to "get back to normal" can lead us to adopt an aggressive approach to “healing”. We might push our bodies too hard in rehabilitation, follow rigid health regimens, or stress ourselves over dietary changes, echoing the same perfectionist and high-pressure attitudes that may have contributed to the condition that needed healing in the first place.
We all know that menopause is a “natural transition” in every woman's life should she be fortunate to live long enough. Yet the societal narrative surrounding it often perpetuates harmful approaches that can hinder true well-being. One glaring example is the obsession with "banishing the belly fat" that commonly accompanies menopause. The cultural focus on maintaining a youthful, slim body at all costs under the guise of “empowerment” can drive us to adopt extreme measures to combat weight gain. This "fix-it" mentality promotes dieting, excessive exercise, and early morning bootcamps (for the already sleep-deprived!)
While I also aspire to remain fit, active, attractive, sexy and “in my body” (and at the minimum wish to be mobile for as long as possible), It’s not empowering to me to feel like I am being told have to push or punish myself for the transitional changes my body experiences. This is not unlike the message that tells a woman who has just given birth that she should get into boot camp immediately. She will not return to her pre-pregnancy body because she created a whole new life inside her, her uterus has grown 500 x, her blood supply doubled and the anatomy of her abdominal cavity and entire pelvic floor with its many bones, muscles, ligaments and tissues entirely transformed themselves to perform this miracle. She will have a post-pregnancy body and it can indeed be healthy, sexy and robust but it will not be the same body. Something has changed. And that needs to be OK.
When fitness and diet recommendations after life-changing experiences like childbirth or menopause aim to restore the appearance of “nothing has changed here” , they risk perpetuating the stress and pressure that leave women feeling drained and unbalanced. Instead of fostering true well-being and ease (which to me should be the true essence of “empowerment”), these approaches can undermine it.
When we apply the same mindset that contributed to our initial health struggles (say anxiety, insomnia, disordered eating, or over-exercising) to our menopause transition or aging process, we risk perpetuating a vicious cycle.
Just as with burnout or chronic illness, a rigid, high-pressure, “bikini-industrial complex”* approach to managing body changes can backfire. Instead of alleviating symptoms, it can exacerbate stress and body dissatisfaction. Who needs more of that? Exactly no one!
Are there ways that you can see this paradox played out in your own life?
Or do you see something different that can add some more intel to this aha I had ?
I am so curious to hear your insights!
If you’re enjoying being part of my beginning journey here— and, if you’re reading this, you are already a part of this adventure — I’d love for you to leave a comment, or share this post. And if you’re reading this in email, please always feel free to hit reply and send me a private message that way. I’d love to hear from you.
If you are interested in hearing about my personal epiphany with this, specifically how I came to see my approach to meditation as having a big boomerang element, I am writing about this in my Part 2 in this series.
*as coined by the Nagoski sisters in their incredible book on Burnout
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