When things fall apart. Do we crazy glue together or meditate solo?
The difference between heartset and mindset.
There is so much talk about mindset.
And the mind matters, but the heart governs even more.
I want to give more attention to my heartset.
How do I feel ? (heartset) vs How do I think? (mindset)
In the past, I wasn’t aware of the difference between these two “sets” in my own healing and search for wholeness.
Then I had an epiphany. I attended a virtual circle where the leader painted a picture of how we approach mental/emotional/spiritual healing in North America. She referenced Vipassana meditation as one Buddhist practice that is (unsurprisingly) popular in the West.
Vipassana courses are 10-day silent meditation retreats where all you do is sit (meditate), eat, sleep and have a tiny bit of time for walking.
No other activity is allowed. No yoga, stretching or writing.
It fits our paradigm of engaging in something *super intense* that involves self-discipline, solo mental focus, and an individual approach to “solving” something.
Mindfulness as “anti-dote” to monkey mind, overwhelm, anxiety, burnout, a lack of inner peace.
I have taken a number of these courses over the last few decades. And I’ve also been struck by their recent popularity. As soon as a Goenka Vipassana 10-day silent meditation course is listed online anywhere in North America it is filled up in a flash. If you are interested in attending one, you pretty much have to set an alarm for the date and time the registration first opens online and complete it within the first 5 minutes of it going live!
I have turned to Vipassana particularly at, or just after times when things really “fell apart”. That I have made use of this ancient silent, solo and strict meditation technique as a “tool” to get control, a technique to tidy myself up —that struck a chord.
In my last post Replicating the Conditions of Our Wounding I shared how I often see many people that I work with doing this same thing in their approach to health. I had an aha moment of why I was so triggered by seeing this repeatedly. Why it disturbed me so much when I saw this “boomerang” approach played out with people I had a responsibility to help was in fact because I did this very thing and I did it hard!
Yup, I had taken these retreats away from my regular life as an ascetic salve to heartache and the pain of multiple losses and the grief that followed. The ending of first marriage and an epic off-grid home we built on a stunning piece of land. Betrayal (a few different versions). An ex-husband who died in an avalanche. Miscarriages, infertility, post D+C trauma that created Asherman’s syndrome. And then a second marriage ending because of multiple failures and loss that spouse could not abide. ... And being so pro-active and motivated spin this broken-ness into mended-ness, I turned to Vipassana meditation.
When I was in a state of feeling painfully separated from any semblance of the nuclear family model of my culture (divorced, childless), feeling bereft, alone and forsaken, I chose to extract myself even more from people and society for some time in the strange belief it would soothe me!
What I did get in these silent courses was valuable. Some big insights arose and I cleared some much-needed RAM on my psychic hard drive. The period of so many dramatic and condensed losses had created a “mac rainbow wheel of doom” to freeze my overwhelmed, congested spirit/ mind-- and after my first sit, if felt like that clutter got cleared!
But I had to return to the speaking world and re-create a brand-new life amongst other humans with their cosy homes and adorable fresh babies and nesting families. Jack Kornfield’s book title says it all: “After the Ecstasy, the Laundry” .
Now I see that sitting alone on a cushion was akin to application of a suppressive corticosteroid cream for skin afflictions like eczema or psoriasis. If you do this continuously you are putting a lid on a boiling pot, rather than turning down the heat element underneath the pot. Those who have experience with eczema or psoriasis, know that if you apply a corticosteroid cream for an extended period, your skin can have an awful rebound inflammatory reaction.
I discovered that truly and sustainably soothing inflammation—both physical and emotional—requires going beyond surface-level remedies.
Symptom-relief tools are valuable but serve best when they create the space to identify and address the root cause, allowing for deeper healing and integration
Similarly solo-ness and cold silence were not a sustainable antidote to my feeling of separation at that time; I needed warmth, belonging and companionship.
From the vantage point of hindsight a decade plus later, I understand that experience gave me an insight about healing that I was actually taught in medical school but never really learned until life “happened”.
Healing the heart or the skin is not a linear process, and it does not adhere to a fixed timetable. And it isn’t accomplished in isolation meditating for 10 days or by the relentless pursuit of quick fixes like steroids or natural remedies either. It is only by breaking free from the mindset that led to our suffering, that we can create a space for genuine recovery.
Of course, being a naturopathic physician for over 20 years I had a holistic “view” that prioritized mental, emotional, and physical well-being. What I didn’t really understand viscerally, not until I had to, is that not just “rest” but connection, companionship, love, play and joy are not indulgences but essential components of wholeness.
What is the same about our skin and our spirit ache is this: the process taking place on the inside needs to be tended to while also receiving some aid from the outside.
What was different about my own spirit- ache is that pain wasn’t healed by being solo and silent, I also needed human accompaniment and support, I needed to be and feel part of the collective.
During Covid this learning came in handy. In 2020 I was suddenly thrust into the role of sole caretaker for an elderly mother who fell, cracked her skull, suffered a brain injury, and was catapulted into dementia. Quickly thereafter, she fell again and lost her mobility.
Having no other family members to call upon, I had learned my lesson already. I asked for help from all the possible resources known and some unknown. Friends from when I was 5 and even their parents came to my rescue like I was a member of their family. Fellow teachers my mum had worked with and were her soul sisters came through. It makes me cry when I think of this time and the support that I felt and received from people who weren’t tied by blood, proximity or obligation. It felt “the worst of times” but somehow when that time came, these people showed me they were on my team and I was not solo.
To truly heal, I feel I must continually break the cycle of replicating the conditions of my wounding (my mindset of being so competent and going solo).
For me this requires a shift in “heartset” as much as “mindset”.
Heartset for me involves a commitment to self-compassion, softness and love, and a willingness to embrace a less individualistic, more nurturing and collective approach to well-being. Nourishing our heartset is how I believe we all might make some moves toward deeper health and wholeness.
Have you had an aha moment about the way you approach “healing” when things fall apart?
I’d love to hear your /other perspectives and insights about insight meditation or other tools or techniques we might turn to.
Note: I wrote this post in September to pair as “part 2” with the last post on Replicating the Conditions of Our Wounding. I only just realized it was never posted, it was in my “drafts” ! It seems relevant for now also so I am publishing this 2 month old version. My current (Nov 16th) insights from this past week, about the defrosting of previous traumas during turbulence will be “part 3” I’m posting next!
If you’re enjoying being part of my beginning journey here— and, if you’re reading this, you are already a part of this adventure — I’d love for you to leave a comment, or share this post. And if you’re reading this in email, please always feel free to hit reply and send me a private message that way. I’d love to hear from you.
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This feels so important, Heidi. Thank you for writing it and sharing it. Western culture is so caught up in ceaseless productivity that - as you point out - even our healing can become militant.
I have never heard the term “heartset,” but it feels like it may be related to intuition and self-compassion. I also, because of my growing fascination with the Heroine’s Journey, love that it doesn’t seem to be something that has to exist in isolation.
Lots to think about here. Thank you!