I returned to an exercise class I had tried for the first time, and the teacher came up to me and said I had a smile on my face during the entire first class. I think this is something I do unconsciously to lighten the energetic space I occupy.
Loved this. "Community is not meant to do your life for you. It’s meant to help you keep your humanity intact and “have your back” while you do the work that is yours." And the notion of accompanying rather than doing the work of someone else's life. I was in a women's circle yesterday where we acknowledged the hurt other women have done to us -- the gap between what accompanying can be and the reality of 'mean girls' who are sometimes our biological mothers or sisters... too. But when accompanying works the difference it makes! The words I use as a herbalist are companion and bridge -- walking the path with someone, helping to bridge betweeen the terrain of their bodies and that of the plants who will help them do the healing work. And you are so right that just a simple smile can make a difference -- I had an experience in Paris a couple of years ago -- we'd got off the train and were madly searching for the taxi we'd booked outside Montparnasse station. I tend to go around the world smiling at people and suddenly a woman crossed the road and put her hand on my arm and said 'thank you' -- I looked blank and she said she'd been watching me smile at people and that it made the world more beautiful. In that moment we'd both given a small act.
This means so much to read your words here, Jan Elisabeth. It is so painful to have this happen in such an immediate circle like a nuclear family. Toxic masculinity is real (and is being unearthed and lit up in neon as it should), but we need to acknowledge that women can harm each other also. And we can heal from that, too. I have not experienced bullying in school, but I witnessed it, and apparently, a friend I Facetimed from India to get a reality check reminded me of instances where I stood up on a bus on behalf of someone else, a girl from Bosnia who was new to our neighbourhood. She later died from a heroin overdose in her 20s, and I was thinking about her and the young daughter she left behind... I so appreciate hearing about your rich women's circle, your beautiful approach as an herbalist, seeing plants as allies and yourself as the companion/bridge. And the power of a smile- your story is so telling. Of how simple it is to offer some warmth even when in discombobulating circumstances, how you people who are on your "channel" to receive it can circulate it back and make the world more beautiful as you say- I love it!
Thank you Heidi - yes it's hard when it comes from those we wouldn't expect to behave like this. I had a charmed school experience and haven't had bullying there, but in the church (when I was in ministry) there was a toxic patriarchal culture that was often delivered by women, which was shocking while doing a feminist theology PhD. But the healing can deep and so helped by this simple moments
It is such a gift to hear the positive affects of our actions. It is heartening to know that your smiles reached far beyond their intended receivers. I agree that you made the world more beautiful - and the people you encountered will carry that forward with them.
And I absolutely love that you were given the gift of hearing how powerful your smile was. Feedback like that is not often shared. It should be.
I also love this, and Cathy, I think you and Jan Elisabeth have a kinship in this exact realm! You both unabashedly practice being the change you wish to see in the world.
I am sorry that your trip fell short in some respects, but I love how you have taken that hardship and transformed it into a strength of knowledge and compassion - for yourself and for all of us. The simple fact that you remained present enough to register the young girl’s caring kindness in the moment and amidst the pain of exclusion you were already feeling … that alone is impressive, and a reminder that we should strive to always be open to the gifts that may seem small in the moment, but often turn out to be much more important than we thought.
Well, that was a hell of a run on sentence! Consider it my way of tripping over myself to tell you how much I loved this piece.
I loved hearing about your trip Dr. Heidi and the contrast between the exclusion you felt in your travel group (unfortunate) and the inclusion you felt from those young girls who helped you with your tote bag strap.
For me, I'm actively working on being more connected to others as between demands of career and always moving it's been tough, but as I get older I recognize I can't wait for being retired and having more time on my hands to do so.
One way I am doing this is volunteering at my local food pantry besides just donating groceries now that they added some evening hours. One thing I've noticed is that many of the people understandably, come in very hesitantly, almost embarrassed to be there. To make them feel included in our community, I make sure to look them in the eye, be warm and treat them with respect as I assist them. You can see the difference in their demeanor as a result after we connect.
Thank you Melanie! I love what you share about your exchange at the local foodbank. That sounds so rewarding. And despite the challenges of fitting it in with full life and schedule that you are not waiting for retirement to do the things that connect you and will feed you in those later years. I enjoy hearing about the ways we can prep the ground and plant the seeds of what we hope to later harvest!
Oh, Heidi, this broke my heart reading it late last night. I had to sit with it for a bit. The "Mean Girl" mentality of the group of adult women is shocking to read. I feel very, very sad for them. They are stuck in their early teens - something I have not come across before. But my heart burst open at the tiny hands caring enough to lift your bag strap. And the video was wonderful - all that joy and laughter!!! I am so happy you had the balm of that loving experience. It doesn't take away the hurt and confusion around not being seen or heard. That group tried to erase your existence. But what you received from this tiny group of children is far more important and healing. They elevated your existence. Their unbridled joy will stay in your heart forever and that is such a gift. It is sad that the "Mean Girls" were not open to experiencing that. ❣️❣️
Thank you, Cathy. You do something that those young girls both offered me straight from the heart- mudhita (sympathetic joy). On steroids. And I know you also feel things deeply when there is suffering. I appreciate that too. I am trying to take in more of the former (the delight in my pleasure that these incredible girls naturally expressed in 5 D and release the other nonsense. Writing this helped, I think. You have been such a great accompaniment in my life this year- I can't wait to meet you in person in NYC soon!
Thank you so much for the oh-so-kind words, Heidi - and for introducing me to the concept of mudhita. Of course I looked it up to learn more, and I believe it fits at least one part of my being. I am not competitive at all, so sharing in the success and joy that others experience fills100% of my heart. I cannot be any other way.
Along with experiencing and sharing mudhita, I am happy to say that judgment is not my default reaction. I do not think these "mean girls" are awful, terrible, fill in the blank people. I do not judge them for their behavior. I believe they do not know another way to be, which leaves elevating themselves while diminishing all around them as their only way to fill what appears to be a very large hole in their collective heats. I find that incredibly sad - for themselves and for others around them.
As for NYC, I cannot wait to have you here, meet you in person, and have the luxury of sharing a full day (maybe more?) with you. I am beyond excited!!! 💕❤️💕
Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom so beautifully here. I found myself nodding, sensing a longing for social safety and mattering that I hadn't recognised. Thank you for naming it so thoughtfully.
I returned to an exercise class I had tried for the first time, and the teacher came up to me and said I had a smile on my face during the entire first class. I think this is something I do unconsciously to lighten the energetic space I occupy.
Yes! Smiling, doesn't take much does it, and when it feels natural and authentic, it can do so much to change an encounter and shift an experience.
Loved this. "Community is not meant to do your life for you. It’s meant to help you keep your humanity intact and “have your back” while you do the work that is yours." And the notion of accompanying rather than doing the work of someone else's life. I was in a women's circle yesterday where we acknowledged the hurt other women have done to us -- the gap between what accompanying can be and the reality of 'mean girls' who are sometimes our biological mothers or sisters... too. But when accompanying works the difference it makes! The words I use as a herbalist are companion and bridge -- walking the path with someone, helping to bridge betweeen the terrain of their bodies and that of the plants who will help them do the healing work. And you are so right that just a simple smile can make a difference -- I had an experience in Paris a couple of years ago -- we'd got off the train and were madly searching for the taxi we'd booked outside Montparnasse station. I tend to go around the world smiling at people and suddenly a woman crossed the road and put her hand on my arm and said 'thank you' -- I looked blank and she said she'd been watching me smile at people and that it made the world more beautiful. In that moment we'd both given a small act.
This means so much to read your words here, Jan Elisabeth. It is so painful to have this happen in such an immediate circle like a nuclear family. Toxic masculinity is real (and is being unearthed and lit up in neon as it should), but we need to acknowledge that women can harm each other also. And we can heal from that, too. I have not experienced bullying in school, but I witnessed it, and apparently, a friend I Facetimed from India to get a reality check reminded me of instances where I stood up on a bus on behalf of someone else, a girl from Bosnia who was new to our neighbourhood. She later died from a heroin overdose in her 20s, and I was thinking about her and the young daughter she left behind... I so appreciate hearing about your rich women's circle, your beautiful approach as an herbalist, seeing plants as allies and yourself as the companion/bridge. And the power of a smile- your story is so telling. Of how simple it is to offer some warmth even when in discombobulating circumstances, how you people who are on your "channel" to receive it can circulate it back and make the world more beautiful as you say- I love it!
Thank you Heidi - yes it's hard when it comes from those we wouldn't expect to behave like this. I had a charmed school experience and haven't had bullying there, but in the church (when I was in ministry) there was a toxic patriarchal culture that was often delivered by women, which was shocking while doing a feminist theology PhD. But the healing can deep and so helped by this simple moments
It is such a gift to hear the positive affects of our actions. It is heartening to know that your smiles reached far beyond their intended receivers. I agree that you made the world more beautiful - and the people you encountered will carry that forward with them.
And I absolutely love that you were given the gift of hearing how powerful your smile was. Feedback like that is not often shared. It should be.
I also love this, and Cathy, I think you and Jan Elisabeth have a kinship in this exact realm! You both unabashedly practice being the change you wish to see in the world.
Thank you Cathy -- it seems to happen more in France than the UK and it does need more
While you share your warm smiles in France in the UK, Jan, please know that you have a kindred spirit in NYC who does the same. 😊
I am sorry that your trip fell short in some respects, but I love how you have taken that hardship and transformed it into a strength of knowledge and compassion - for yourself and for all of us. The simple fact that you remained present enough to register the young girl’s caring kindness in the moment and amidst the pain of exclusion you were already feeling … that alone is impressive, and a reminder that we should strive to always be open to the gifts that may seem small in the moment, but often turn out to be much more important than we thought.
Well, that was a hell of a run on sentence! Consider it my way of tripping over myself to tell you how much I loved this piece.
And your photos are gorgeous!!
I loved hearing about your trip Dr. Heidi and the contrast between the exclusion you felt in your travel group (unfortunate) and the inclusion you felt from those young girls who helped you with your tote bag strap.
For me, I'm actively working on being more connected to others as between demands of career and always moving it's been tough, but as I get older I recognize I can't wait for being retired and having more time on my hands to do so.
One way I am doing this is volunteering at my local food pantry besides just donating groceries now that they added some evening hours. One thing I've noticed is that many of the people understandably, come in very hesitantly, almost embarrassed to be there. To make them feel included in our community, I make sure to look them in the eye, be warm and treat them with respect as I assist them. You can see the difference in their demeanor as a result after we connect.
Thank you Melanie! I love what you share about your exchange at the local foodbank. That sounds so rewarding. And despite the challenges of fitting it in with full life and schedule that you are not waiting for retirement to do the things that connect you and will feed you in those later years. I enjoy hearing about the ways we can prep the ground and plant the seeds of what we hope to later harvest!
Thanks so much Dr. Heidi. Yes it really has been rewarding and has helped me connect with like-minded people in my community.
I wonder if and how this group of women's behavior would have been different if the organizer of the trip had been present.
Yes, that's a good question!
Oh, Heidi, this broke my heart reading it late last night. I had to sit with it for a bit. The "Mean Girl" mentality of the group of adult women is shocking to read. I feel very, very sad for them. They are stuck in their early teens - something I have not come across before. But my heart burst open at the tiny hands caring enough to lift your bag strap. And the video was wonderful - all that joy and laughter!!! I am so happy you had the balm of that loving experience. It doesn't take away the hurt and confusion around not being seen or heard. That group tried to erase your existence. But what you received from this tiny group of children is far more important and healing. They elevated your existence. Their unbridled joy will stay in your heart forever and that is such a gift. It is sad that the "Mean Girls" were not open to experiencing that. ❣️❣️
Thank you, Cathy. You do something that those young girls both offered me straight from the heart- mudhita (sympathetic joy). On steroids. And I know you also feel things deeply when there is suffering. I appreciate that too. I am trying to take in more of the former (the delight in my pleasure that these incredible girls naturally expressed in 5 D and release the other nonsense. Writing this helped, I think. You have been such a great accompaniment in my life this year- I can't wait to meet you in person in NYC soon!
Thank you so much for the oh-so-kind words, Heidi - and for introducing me to the concept of mudhita. Of course I looked it up to learn more, and I believe it fits at least one part of my being. I am not competitive at all, so sharing in the success and joy that others experience fills100% of my heart. I cannot be any other way.
Along with experiencing and sharing mudhita, I am happy to say that judgment is not my default reaction. I do not think these "mean girls" are awful, terrible, fill in the blank people. I do not judge them for their behavior. I believe they do not know another way to be, which leaves elevating themselves while diminishing all around them as their only way to fill what appears to be a very large hole in their collective heats. I find that incredibly sad - for themselves and for others around them.
As for NYC, I cannot wait to have you here, meet you in person, and have the luxury of sharing a full day (maybe more?) with you. I am beyond excited!!! 💕❤️💕
Oh this was so beautiful, Heidi!
Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom so beautifully here. I found myself nodding, sensing a longing for social safety and mattering that I hadn't recognised. Thank you for naming it so thoughtfully.